A Sewist's Sidequest

Once upon a time not long ago I would sew...almost every day. I was convinced I would be fashion designer and at the time I was deeeeep in a Pentecostal/Baptist/Evangelical church cult (story for another day) so I was also convinced my modest yet fashionable aesthetic would be the key to converting souls for the kingdom. A lot of that has changed but what hasn't changed is the sewing itch that creeps up with a vengeance every couple of years.  As a visual aide: Here is 17year old me in my me-made prom dressed secretly inspired by MCR Helena but make it modest and ****PINK****. I love that version of me and have compassion for her. She was cute. 

​I talked in other blog posts about you tube sewists I started obsessing over and the sew liberated Arthur pants. This past week I finally cut and started to construct my pants!! Something Carly B shared that shifted how I think about sewing lately is that doing the tried and true stuff is fun but it is also good to find patterns that challenge you to learn new skills. I've always wanted to be better at sewing flat-felled seams and generally finishing my work better and I am also on a mission to have more whimsical clothing with non-traditional fits (more on this later). The Arthur pants have been heavy on my mind and accomplish both of those goals! Here is where I'm at so far: 

I shared things I've learned so far on IG and will continue to do quick bloggy posts like that as I continue to construct my dope-ass pants. What this project has also showed me (and recently in therapy, go therapy again woot woot!) is that I have some *~*~*~*~*unresolved body issues*~*~*~*~ yay! I've known that I imagine myself to be a different size and shape than reality for a bit now. I think I've also been in denial about having body dysmorphia because I also suffer from the ol' "Well it's not that bad and I've made it this far" syndrome many of us have. I sometimes resist clinical labeling because I think it is rampant and poorly understood in the age of social media and self-diagnosis. On the one hand I think the internet has broken barriers we face due to generally caca access to meaningful and care-ful medical assistance in this country. On the other, it has created an epidemic of people using self-diagnosed mental health and wellness issues as an excuse for poor behavior. As it is with everything, there's nuance and I strive for balance. 

But back to my sense of self as I exist in the physical world. Those images of young me are always so jarring. I thought I was so much larger than my peers and I see now that that wasn't the case. I carried myself with a lot of shame about my size and shape in those years. Typical I'm sure of many teenagers, but heightened 100000% by being one of very few Latina's in a PWI. Recently, I thought I "grew out of" that but boy oh boy did pregnancy and post-partum body comments highlight just how insidious those thoughts are and have been! With the national coverage and un-coverage of all the awful ways pedophiles have shaped young girls sense of self and the re-examining of 90's and 2000's pop culture as well as the resurgence of "heroine chic" aesthetics. I feel anxious about how where we are going as a culture. I also feel heavy. I'm grateful to start working on this in therapy with more intention and with a professional to support exploring how dysmorphia has or has not impacted my sense of self. Not everyone has access to that and I am forever grateful for this privilege. 

The trauma of an unplanned non-emergency c-section scar, shrinking to a much smaller size due to breastfeeding, and getting complimented for how well I've carried my post-partum body along with my body just not being what it was, I feel a lot of complex feelings. I am so proud of my body and frustrated by it. None of my clothes fit and yet I know this might be a temporary size so I hesitate to go to hard on getting new stuff. I hesitate to respond to commentary about my body because everything folks are saying seems like a compliment! Not every interaction needs to go into the details about what I'm experiencing and experienced. There's no time and I know the intentions are good, but it's still poking at this old wound of not ever feeling like I know who this body is or what she actually looks like at any given moment. 

So in an effort to reclaim and explore my sense of self, sewing has entered the chat. It has been empowering to revisit this hobby and take care to pick things that play with silhouette and size and color with intention. Part of the language of making clothes for yourself is fitting things to your body rather than the other way around and for me in this moment, that is liberating. It also has been fun to be a bit of a beginner again with something that takes time and isn't as life or death as parenting lol. 

I'm sure there are more lessons here, but for now I'm holding both - fun and whimsy of revisiting an old creative hobby and confronting old ghosts - and trying to do so with care. 

Funspiration Station this week: 
-Mini semi-sweet chocolate chips
-The general vibe of 2000's facebook albums
-Emerging Writers Festival
-Edge Stitching Foot/Top Stictching Foot